We’ve only got 2 days until the election, and while I find the chance of an apocalypse being extremely slim, we can never be too careful. So I’ve reached out to Canada. The official offer is as follows…
Dear Canada,
I’d like to propose a trade.
You get:
- The winner of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton (4 years guaranteed contract, with a team option for an additional 4).
- Barack Obama (expiring contract, 2 months remaining)
We get:
- Justin Trudeau
In a perfect world, we’d like to retain Obama, but the Collective Bargaining Agreement simply doesn’t allow for it. Moving forward, we could use some new blood (and no, not that of drone-struck Middle Eastern terrorist suspects, like we’re used to).
For you, I think it would be a great fit. You guys already have universal health care; Obama and you would be a perfect match! It would be 2 months of honeymooner bliss. I’m not sure what your political rules are, but I’m sure you could find a place for him after his term runs out.
When it comes to Trump/Hillary, quite frankly, I trust you to make a better decision than we might make in 2 days. But they both have their pros. For The Donald:
- You don’t have a Mexican immigration problem, so there’s no need to build a wall!
- You guys are friendlier than us, and thus, aren’t hated as much around the world. Therefore, his banning of Muslims, Syrian refugees, etc.. would be a non-issue, entirely, since no one is coming to attack you. They’re coming to get cheap medication, watch hockey fights, and eat poutine.
- You guys already dealt with Rob Ford; you’re much better equipped to handle The Donald than we are.
- He’ll make Canada great again!
Hey, Hillary has her pros, too:
- 30 years of political experience. She can help you guys become major players on the world stage.
- A very strong stance on privacy (expert at deleting emails)
Now, she is old, and there might be some questions about her health, but those might be pros for you as well. Imagine if, 3 months into her term, she can no longer work due to illness? You guys get a clean slate and can elect someone new to replace her. I hear Barack Obama is going to be a free agent then… *hint hint* *wink wink*.
So what do you say, eh? Can we make a deal, Canada?
Sincerely,
The United States of America
