Our weekends seem to be safer than weekdays, because our Führer thinks the Presidency is a M-F 9-5 job, but no one is really at ease. Luckily, SNL still gives us a break and calms our nerves, if only for a few minutes at a time…
Month: February 2017
Minority Citizen’s Log, Day 93 – Caught in the act!
Note to anyone working in the White House: you can’t endorse products/brands while working in the White House!
That said, Kellyanne Conway might’ve just committed a crime on national TV. F’n newb….
Minority Citizen’s Log, Day 92 – War on Nordstrom
It hasn’t even been 3 weeks yet, but it feels like 3 years. We’re still here, with some updates from the past week:
- Our President, Adolf Twittler, recently launched a tweet missile at the Nordstrom brand like the twat that he is. This was due to the department store pulling his daughter Ivanka’s clothing line from their racks, due to poor sales. In response, Nordstrom stock skyrocketed just minutes after the tweet. Well done, my Führer!
- Kellyanne Conway invented a past terrorist event that she’s calling the Bowling Green massacre. She says that the Trump travel ban is designed to prevent imaginary tragedies like this and it’s working. I agree. It’s doing a great job.
- Melissa McCarthy did a spot-on imitation of Sean Spicer on SNL this past weekend, leading Spicer to chew less gum and look more directly at the camera when he lies. President Trump, upon seeing this skit, was furious, accusing Spicer of appearing on SNL and knowing how to read. Spicer’s job may now be in jeopardy. Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to imitate Steve Bannon next.
- Speaking of the modern-day Dick Cheney… he made Time Magazine’s cover, with the title “The Great Manipulator.” Our Führer immediately took to Twitter to demand that he makes his own decisions, not based on anyone telling him what to do, but from vast amounts of intel and information he receives from watching Fox News.
Minority Citizen’s Log, Day 87 – Random Thoughts
- During Donald Trump’s NAFTA negotiation discussion aired yesterday, and he said something about “statutory limitations” at least 3 times in a row. Someone should inform him that he doesn’t have to worry about statutory limitations anymore; Ivanka is of legal age.
- Every time I hear Sean Spicer (or anyone, really) utter the words “President” and “Trump” in succession, I vomit a little bit. My evil conscience says to me: “we should kill him.” My good conscience then steps in: “No, let him live and take away his Twitter. His head will explode before the sun goes down.”
- Is it me, or does Sean Spicer always look like he just shit his pants?
- …maybe he’s just bracing for the impending war on kangaroos?
- Happy Super Bowl, everyone, and long live the resistance!
Minority Citizen’s Log, Day 85 – Secretary of Pressure
Despite the lack of updates, I have not traveled anywhere these past few days, and thus have not been deported in accordance with Trump’s we-think-you-might-be-Muslim-and-Muslims-are-bad ban.
Secretary of the Press, Sean Spicer, continues to make press appearances addressing President Trump’s actions. His wise uses of time most recently have amounted to:
- Getting into pissing matches with reporters for asking questions.
- Berating news outlets for reporting the news.
- Insisting that the travel “ban” isn’t a “ban” just a day after both he and President Trump referred to it as a “ban.” (Yay for words!)
- Defending the detainment of a 5-year old boy, because instead of being a strong nation, we’re a bunch of pussies who are afraid of a 5-year old who just got off a plane just because he’s brown.
To top it off, he retweeted the following from The Onion, which called him out for being a lying stupid dipshit. Yea, this guy gets it…
You nailed it. Period! https://t.co/AUmS1C222b
— Sean Spicer (@seanspicer) January 29, 2017
