It hasn’t even been 3 weeks yet, but it feels like 3 years. We’re still here, with some updates from the past week:
- Our President, Adolf Twittler, recently launched a tweet missile at the Nordstrom brand like the twat that he is. This was due to the department store pulling his daughter Ivanka’s clothing line from their racks, due to poor sales. In response, Nordstrom stock skyrocketed just minutes after the tweet. Well done, my Führer!
- Kellyanne Conway invented a past terrorist event that she’s calling the Bowling Green massacre. She says that the Trump travel ban is designed to prevent imaginary tragedies like this and it’s working. I agree. It’s doing a great job.
- Melissa McCarthy did a spot-on imitation of Sean Spicer on SNL this past weekend, leading Spicer to chew less gum and look more directly at the camera when he lies. President Trump, upon seeing this skit, was furious, accusing Spicer of appearing on SNL and knowing how to read. Spicer’s job may now be in jeopardy. Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to imitate Steve Bannon next.
- Speaking of the modern-day Dick Cheney… he made Time Magazine’s cover, with the title “The Great Manipulator.” Our Führer immediately took to Twitter to demand that he makes his own decisions, not based on anyone telling him what to do, but from vast amounts of intel and information he receives from watching Fox News.
